Sunday, May 9, 2010

On Becoming a First-time Mother

'Tis Mother's Day.



Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

A day of sweet sentiments, flowery cards, of sweet trinkets wrapped in rosy paper?
Tales of breakfast in bed brought by smiling wee bedheads?

Not here.


Not today, anyway.


I'm sharing a bit of wisdom, for a first time mom.




Because my daughter is becoming a first-time mom, I thought I'd better keep the mood a little light and humorous and tell her some things I may not have told her before she was with child.

Otherwise, she may have skipped the whole "with child" thing,
but now she's in so far, she may as well know.

(This post is a bit irreverent.)



My little list is entitled:

TWELVE THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU BEFORE YOU BECOME A MOM

1. Your bottom will really hurt after delivery.
Bottom.
Hurts.
BAD.
They will try to ice it for you.
Yes, ICE.
I gave them the ice pack right back.

(Not sure if that was a good idea, but ICE? THERE?)


2. Hemorrhoids are often born with the baby.
They are worse than childbirth.
But, like everyone says, you "forget about the pain" after baby gets here.

(Well. Almost. I sat on one leg for weeks!)


3. When the doctor says you'll experience "some slight discomfort" when you're in labor and they're checking you for dilation,
just hope that he doesn't send in the big German nurse who resembles a concentration camp frau to stick her fist up your hooha.
Take a "deep breath" cuz it hurts like H*$@!!


(Modesty? What's that?)

4. Nursing doesn't always work out, but if it does, 'tis wonderful.
But remember, if you actually get to go somewhere without the baby,
be ready to RUN.
This is especially important in department stores like Target,
grocery stores and restaurants with families.

(Babies cry. Your boobs don't know that it's NOT your baby.
Your sprinkler system WILL go off at this alarm!!)



5. Do discuss episiotomies before delivery with your OB/GYN.
I didn't know until after delivery, but mine had this strange thought
that cutting me off onto my leg might be a good idea.

(I set him straight after the first one. Literally.)



6. Sitz Baths are not really pain-relieving.

(Hot baths in a TUB sitting on a big, soft towel ARE.)



7. Your body will never be the same.
Never.

(But then, I think you might be getting that idea along about now.)


8. They say you may be ready for "relations" in about six weeks.
But after "relation" visits
(spend the night, or maybe stay a few days?)
expecting you to pamper them for days
(or even weeks?),
who says you'll be ready for "relations"?


(Really? In SIX WEEKS?!)


9. Things spread OUT.
Like your ribcage...who knew?
The hips?

(Well, we won't even go there.)



10. Pack maternity clothes to go home in.
You will need them.

(For months.)


11. Don't entertain any romantic notions of your husband whispering his thank you for what you just did--and you looking like a picture--as in the movies....
very few women look beautiful after twelve hours of labor,
like they always do on television or the movies.
That is something that is NEVER realistically portrayed.
After all, if they did...
It would damage the birth rate beyond repair.

(Actually, you'll be sweaty and STINK. They don't call it labor for nothin'!)



12. YOU WILL SOON SOUND just like your OWN MOTHER.
Yes, it's true.
(You can't avoid it, it's like hemorrhoids.)
It won't be long and you'll be saying to that adolescent in the throes of puberty:
"You just wait until you have kids of your own!"

Oh yes.
You will.

AND THEN YOU'LL SAY TO YOURSELF
"Did I really just say that!?!?!"

It's Guaranteed!!!



But honey, just do your best,
and for goodness sakes,
keep your mom on speed dial!

But seriously.

You will be overwhelmed at the love and responsibility you feel for your new little one.

You will have a hard time handing him or her over to someone whom you are not sure you can really trust and hasn't known you for years.

(This is normal. Go with it. Trust your instincts.)



And, I have to say in conclusion,
is that in spite of all the changes
becoming a mom will bring to your life
and your bottom
,

It truly is...

THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me!

And so it goes, it will be the best thing you've ever done, too.



Moms, if you have any more little nuggets of wisdom for new moms, please share!




I know you've all had a few things happen that you wish someone would have told you!

8 comments:

mary your sis said...

Yes, you're right, after all the relations come to visit and stay, you won't want to even think about having "relations" (of a different sort) with your hubby. Doctor's need to advise "at the very least, you should wait six to 10 weeks, or more, or not at all? And those post partum mood swings last a long time- like 13 or 25 or 27 years or so! I can still sob at the least little thing when I think about how quickly my baby's grew up! I hope you'll soon get over the labor and delivery part, so you can get on with enjoying every possible moment with the little guy-- it'll go so fast! I can't wait to see the new Mama holding little Levi!

mary your sis said...

P.S. Have a LOT of ice chips ready during labor. You may really want to CHOMP DOWN on something! GRRRR! The ice chips are a nice alternative way to express your frustration and of course there's the added benefit: chomping down on those sucker's will make your breath smell like an icy mountain spring when your loving husband wants to kiss you in order to inadequately express to you how thankful and honored he is to stand next to the bedside of his beautiful princess whilst she daintily brings his offspring into the world! (I'm sure you'll look just like Scarlett O'Hara throughtout the whole process.)

Tanya said...

This has to be one of the funniest posts I've read...funny humor...funny TRUTH! ONLY a momma who has been through this knows so here's to all the mommas who are AMEN~ING you. P.S....I actually loved those ice packs!!
Tidbit to add:
Nursing moms...never go to bed without a towel to swaddle your swollen feeding tubes or heavy duty bra with pads in it ...you might wake up in a huge puddle.

Jamie B said...

Thanks Mom -- you had told me some of that already... it just sounds wonderful -- lol! They scared us a lot at birthing class too. Good thing you will be here to help me. I know we are going to need it!

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

I love you!

Bloggin bout my Boys said...

I think I may need a towel...from peeing myself laughing at this! It is SO TRUE but still you put such a humorous twist on it and those vintage cards were too cute!! My advice WITCH HAZEL PADS...LOTS OF THEM!! Those hemmi's (not the engine!) can be a you-know what and the Tucks pads are good stuff! Now go celebrate the clever, wonderful mom you are and know that you really cheered a friend that misses her mom alot this time of year!

Farmhouse Country said...

Oh Lordy, Joni...I think you've got all the good stuff here. I am cracking up! Remember to post on her fridge a note saying....
Remember, this too shall pass. For the all nighters new mommas endure just seeing that helps! After two girls, I had no idea that changing my son's diapers could be so dangerous those first couple of weeks lol. Keep those boys covered at all times he,he! Ice packs for nursing...Get all the sleep she can, at any time she can! How exciting for you all...best wishes to your girl!
xo, Dee

More than Survival said...

This was a GREAT post!!!!!! Thanks for the reminder...NOT! :) You do really forget MOST of it over time.... until you read posts like this and it all comes flooding back! You are too funny!

Donna said...

This was a hoot! Your daughter will understand it all soon enough!