On Becoming a First-time Mother

'Tis Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

A day of sweet sentiments, flowery cards, of sweet trinkets wrapped in rosy paper?
Tales of breakfast in bed brought by smiling wee bedheads?

Not here.

Not today, anyway.


I'm sharing a bit of wisdom, for a first time mom.

Because my daughter is becoming a first-time mom, I thought I'd better keep the mood a little light and humorous and tell her some things I may not have told her before she was with child.

Otherwise, she may have skipped the whole "with child" thing,
but now she's in so far, she may as well know.

(This post is a bit irreverent.)

My little list is entitled:

TWELVE THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU BEFORE YOU BECOME A MOM

1. Your bottom will really hurt after delivery.
Bottom.
Hurts.
BAD.
They will try to ice it for you.
Yes, ICE.
I gave them the ice pack right back.

(Not sure if that was a good idea, but ICE? THERE?)

2. Hemorrhoids are often born with the baby.
They are worse than childbirth.
But, like everyone says, you "forget about the pain" after baby gets here.

(Well. Almost. I sat on one leg for weeks!)

3. When the doctor says you'll experience "some slight discomfort" when you're in labor and they're checking you for dilation,
just hope that he doesn't send in the big German nurse who resembles a concentration camp frau to stick her fist up your hooha.
Take a "deep breath" cuz it hurts like H*$@!!

(Modesty? What's that?)

4. Nursing doesn't always work out, but if it does, 'tis wonderful.
But remember, if you actually get to go somewhere without the baby,
be ready to RUN.
This is especially important in department stores like Target,
grocery stores and restaurants with families.

(Babies cry. Your boobs don't know that it's NOT your baby.
Your sprinkler system WILL go off at this alarm!!)


5. Do discuss episiotomies before delivery with your OB/GYN.
I didn't know until after delivery, but mine had this strange thought
that cutting me off onto my leg might be a good idea.

(I set him straight after the first one. Literally.)


6. Sitz Baths are not really pain-relieving.

(Hot baths in a TUB sitting on a big, soft towel ARE.)


7. Your body will never be the same.
Never.

(But then, I think you might be getting that idea along about now.)

8. They say you may be ready for "relations" in about six weeks.
But after "relation" visits
(spend the night, or maybe stay a few days?)
expecting you to pamper them for days
(or even weeks?),
who says you'll be ready for "relations"?

(Really? In SIX WEEKS?!)


9. Things spread OUT.
Like your ribcage...who knew?
The hips?

(Well, we won't even go there.)


10. Pack maternity clothes to go home in.
You will need them.

(For months.)

11. Don't entertain any romantic notions of your husband whispering his thank you for what you just did--and you looking like a picture--as in the movies....
very few women look beautiful after twelve hours of labor,
like they always do on television or the movies.
That is something that is NEVER realistically portrayed.
After all, if they did...
It would damage the birth rate beyond repair.

(Actually, you'll be sweaty and STINK. They don't call it labor for nothin'!)


12. YOU WILL SOON SOUND just like your OWN MOTHER.
Yes, it's true.
(You can't avoid it, it's like hemorrhoids.)
It won't be long and you'll be saying to that adolescent in the throes of puberty:
"You just wait until you have kids of your own!"

Oh yes.
You will.

AND THEN YOU'LL SAY TO YOURSELF
"Did I really just say that!?!?!"

It's Guaranteed!!!


But honey, just do your best,
and for goodness sakes,
keep your mom on speed dial!

But seriously.

You will be overwhelmed at the love and responsibility you feel for your new little one.

You will have a hard time handing him or her over to someone whom you are not sure you can really trust and hasn't known you for years.

(This is normal. Go with it. Trust your instincts.)

And, I have to say in conclusion,
is that in spite of all the changes
becoming a mom will bring to your life
and your bottom,

It truly is...

THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me!

And so it goes, it will be the best thing you've ever done, too.

Moms, if you have any more little nuggets of wisdom for new moms, please share!

I know you've all had a few things happen that you wish someone would have told you!